I wander aimlessly around my head, knowing there are things to do and places to go, but not caring what they might be. With the nagging suspicion that something is following me, I hasten my pace and wander aimlessly nowhere with slight more urgency.
that's not entirely applicable to what I'm writing about... but it is to the extent that I'm avoiding homework while writing this.
So... this is a bit of a continuation of a blog entry a while ago on contentment
Here is what I've been learning since that blog... and I realize that some of what I'm writing may sound a bit controversial, but please hear me out until the end and then make your own judgments about what I wrote.
A friend confronted me a few weeks ago about my lack of contentment and shared with me some stuff that I'm coming to realize as very helpful truths.
I want to be a "perfect" person. I always use to think that I had to become the complete person God wants me to be - having learned all that I need to and able to put it all into practice perfectly - before I could start truly living. But that's kind of an interesting thought since at that rate I will never start "truly living." God is constantly shaping me into the person I am becoming. He takes me step by step. I am the person God wants me to be right now. The anxiety and tension that realization releases is amazing! He probably won't want me to be the same person in 10 years as I am now, but because I am progressing I know that I am where God wants me right now.
I use to think I could jump a bunch of steps and suddenly be different or know how to do something I couldn't before (like love my enemies). But, it doesn't happen that quickly (usually... does it ever??). God determines the size of our steps because He knows how much we can handle. I can't leap over crucial steps in the process and if I follow my own direction I'll just fall and wonder why I can't ever be "better."
No matter how hard I strive for the ideal or for perfection (by "perfection" I mean the image of what I thought God wanted me to be right now), it's never going to be the ideal or perfect. I would say to myself, "If only I'm good enough or strong enough or dedicated enough to bring about perfection, it will come." But it doesn't and it won't. But...
"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to his beloved sleep."
Psalm 127: 1-2
Unless God lays out the steps, my striving to please God doesn't amount to much and results in discouragement. Unless He is on my side (or, better, I am on His) my work is in vain. Why do I wake up anxious and go to bed depressed because I wasn't "good enough?" God is taking care of me. He knows I'm not going to be perfect - that doesn't matter. What matters is that I love Him and I'm following Him. What else really matters?
Unless I am relying on God's plan, my struggles to "truly live" amount to nothing. God does have a plan and He loves me - where in that is it logical to stress about my spiritual growth?? I think it is only good to worry if you are not following God's leading... and even then, it is better to turn to God's plan than to continue worrying. There is security in God's arms and there is affirmation and there is rest. There is no "I should be better" when you are walking with God and there is no "But there are so many better things out there" when you are walking with Him. On your own, there is no security. You don't know if there may be something better or if you aren't living to your full extent.
In saying this, I don't mean that when you're a Christian you don't have to think about bettering yourself or discarding the old habits of sin. I tried to stress - and I hope I made it clear enough - that only when you are following God's leading can you rest. That doesn't mean you stop growing or learning, but it means that you are in God's will and that means there is nothing better for you to be than what you are now and nowhere better for you to be than where you are now. However, be open to God's prodding. Don't get stuck in a rut of complacency. When He tells you to do something, do it. If you ignore His call, then getting down on yourself for not being better is a waste of time. Instead, just simply do as He asks. Be ready and willing to grow, but don't put the burden on yourself to always know how and when to change. When you are relying on God and willing to follow His call, then there is no reason to be discontent or anxious. God is always with you and He always knows what is best.
And so those are my thoughts... and, again, don't just take my word for it. Check it out yourself.
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