Letting Go of the Rational. ...Seriously?

Umm... to be illogical and non-rational - however could one think that should be a good idea? And yet, slowly I'm being drawn toward it.

I'm reading "God's Smuggler" by Brother Andrew. I read it once before and I loved it and reading it again inspires me all over again! Brother Andrew always followed God's voice, whether toward the rational or away from it.
Perhaps the rational is not always true... and the things that don't make sense are completely true.

And that's about all I have to say about that... for now.

Some songs

Well... is it ever hard to desire only God! I don't think I'm making much progress there. I think if God was truly my only desire, I'd spend a lot more time talking with Him and reading the Bible and trying to grow with Him... instead, I find myself reading other books and playing games and trying to find other things to distract myself.

I don't believe that it is possible to force yourself to desire only God. I believe you must go through a process of discovering how much you need God over everything else and how much He desires you. Then, when we realize this, our perspective changes and we discover that only God can fill our true desires - the things that really matter.

I love this song by Tenth Avenue North. It is so beautiful and it is helping me realize the passionate love that God has for me. Then I feel loved and desired and wanted... and I think that is helping me to realize that God is all I need.

The song talks about a "bride," and most of the pictures seem to emphasize a female audience... but gender doesn't matter to God - He isn't human... so this is every bit as much for guys as it is for girls.



The next song by Addison Road reflects rather well my struggle to grasp who my God is.

"If you touched my face, would I know You?
"Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?"

What do I know of God? Of holy? Hearing this song and hearing someone else confess their struggles with discovering God encourages me and strengthens my resolve to dig deeper and learn more of God (who is holy).




I like this verse from Lamentations

"The Lord is my portion; therefore, I will wait for Him."

He is all that I need, so I will stand ready and wait for Him to give me His strength and power and all that I need in Him. How do I stay ready?

And from Ephesians 6:10

"Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might."

It is in His power that I can stand strong - my own isn't sufficient. Do I even have any?

Just some thoughts for me to think on more and [hopefully] some encouragement for you, too.

Trust and Attack

I trust God, but I know that sometimes things that I expect to happen and things that I trust God to bring about don't happen. So, my trust and faith in God waivers. Not my faith in His existence, but in His plan whether to step in to help me or not. I don't think I know what God's plan is. So, I trust that God's will will be done (of course! What could stand in His way?!), but I don't know what His will is and so I'm not sure what I'm trusting to happen - and this gets confusing.

I would trust Him to keep my parents safe as they drive home, but I don't know if they will be kept safe. I don't know what God's will is concerning that. I pray for their safety and I believe that God can keep them safe, but I don't know if He will.

God tells us not to doubt when we pray - does that mean to have absolute faith that whatever we prayed for will happen... or does it mean to have absolute faith in God's purposes? I know that when we pray in God's will, then what we pray for will happen, but how do we know that what we pray for is God's will? Some people pray for a ministry to take off the ground (how couldn't that be God's will??) and it never does. What happened? Did we miscalculate God's will? How can one possibly calculate God's movements?! This is turning into a stream-of-consciousness.... um... but honestly, what an interesting topic/question! I could go on, but I would start going in circles.


I have had about 3 spiritual attacks in dreams in the past couple months. They have scared me like I've never been scared before, but they have also strengthened my faith in such enormous ways. I have realized that any power I credited to myself is actually God's. When I can do nothing - not even speak (as happened in the first dream) - God crushes my enemy. I have learned that no matter what happens God is with me and He will not let anything happen to me without His approval. With that assurance my fears begin to ease.

But, I was still scared. One or two nights ago I had another dream. I was still terrified when this one happened, but unlike the first two dreams my words came out easily as I rebuked the enemy and I was much more confident and bold. I'm not really sure if this last dream really was an attack or if it was just a dream, but it stilled scared me despite the victory. What am I scared of? I remind myself that God is always with me, that I have a guardian angel, that God will not let anything happen to me that He doesn't allow. I am afraid of being scared and of being placed in a position of defense. I was scared and I told God exactly what I was feeling and He said I needed to read the Bible, so I did and I flipped to Ephesians 6 and read verse 10.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.

Do not rely on my own strength. It is God's strength that I can rest in. His might is stronger than anything imaginable and unimaginable. I am strong when I stand with God. What a relief. What a calm peace I can have realizing that it's not up to me to do anything... because I can't do a thing.

Shattering Dreams and Letting Go

I'm reading an amazing book called "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. I'd love to summarize everything he said, but that would take way too long. So, I will summarize his main points (or at least I will try to).

God sometimes lets our dreams shatter - we discover we don't have enough money to take that last course to graduate, or someone close to us dies, or friends pull apart.

God is all we need. We think we want a nice home that's safe and we want a beautiful, happy family and enough money to go out with friends and live comfortably. And those things aren't bad, but we don't need them. Easier said than understood or believed.

Can I desire God over a gorgeous green mountain and the ocean beyond? Is God enough for me? Sometimes our dreams shatter so that we discover that we can't do anything on our own and that God is enough and really is all that we need.. We are shown that this life doesn't work... it fails us. Bad things happen to good people. But, this life was never meant to exist solely for making us happy - usually we don't understand that... subconsciously we think we deserve to live in peace and happiness. But, that doesn't happen and we get discouraged and wonder why God isn't doing anything to make it better.

God is not here to fulfill our human desires and He is not required to. Yes, God has come to give us life to the fullest, but do we understand that life to the fullest does not mean owning a boat, having a secure and steady income, or being able to enjoy every opportunity that comes our way? Those are nice things and perhaps we will get them and there's nothing wrong with that. But, life to the fullest is a life that is filled with desire for God and for His desires.

When that happens I believe we can live contentedly in a one-room hut while constantly killing large spiders. I still hope that God doesn't call me to that, but I am learning how, over everything else, I'd rather have God - He is becoming my greatest desire.

Larry Crabb says all of this much better. If this sounds interesting, read his book!

Over the past few weeks and months I have thrown so many of my old possessions away. I'm learning how they don't matter. This life will end and nothing will come with me when I go on to the next. Some things that I thought would be hard to part with, were actually simple to place in the "give-a-way box." I realize that anyone can do that (non-Christians, too), but it's my attitude that is impressing me. I'm getting rid of stuff not just because it's cluttering my house and I don't need it, but I'm getting rid of stuff because it's unimportant and I don't need it. To be honest, there are still plenty of things I'd rather not throw away even for such reasons as mentioned above, but I am hopeful that if God told me to get up and leave them all behind that I would.

I don't mean this to sound boastful. I want to share what I'm learning and how I'm growing. A new perspective that abandons earthly-gain and immerses itself in God's character and will needs to be shared! (I haven't gotten fully there yet, but I'm hoping to)

I'm not perfect (is that even necessary to write?) and so I know I will fail sometimes in giving up my own dreams when they conflict with God's and I probably won't always give up what I am told to... but I hope I will.

When life doesn't impress me or when it frustrates me and makes me cry, I rejoice that this life is not the end. There is so much hope for joy! Joy that doesn't always make us beam with peace and happiness, but a joy that fills us with hope. And hope will not disappoint. (I don't think I understand what it means to really have joy. But, I know it's not synonymous with happiness and I'm fairly certain it's got something to do with hope.)

I wonder if dreams always have to be shattered for us to discover our desire for God.

Larry Crabb writes that despite our circumstances we can fly and only our striving to obtain our own dreams keeps us chained to the ground. Because we assume it is our right to feel good.

Larry Crabb writes the following that nicely summarizes a bit of what he has said so far.

Something bad happens. I hurt. I feel unhappy. I long to feel good. I ask God for help. I am resolved to feel better. I do whatever I can to make at least a few dreams come true. That is the way of the flesh
Something bad happens. I hurt. I feel unhappy. I long to feel good. But I trust God. His pleasure matters more than mine. But His pleasure includes mine. I believe that. So I abandon myself to His pleasure. I live to please Him. I work hard and live responsibly and strive to put balance in my life because that pleases Him. Making Him feel good is a higher priority than making me feel good. And somehow, inevitably, at some point, I discover joy That is the way of the Spirit.

If you want to read more about that, read the rest of "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. I have never recommended a better book than this. Not that you have to agree with everything that Larry says, but you will gain a new perspective on God, on our lives, and on God in our lives and you will gain a new humility that places God far above our own selves. I think you can find true joy when you discover all that this book can teach you. I'm still learning (and trying to put into practice) as I continue to read it. I hope I will discover what it really means to have joy (even if it means I have to endure some shattered dreams)

Well... I think this blog is long enough now. I have so much more inside that's yearning to pour out, but I'm not sure exactly how to write it yet. I'll save it for another blog.

update on la vida-ish

Well, it's been a while since my last entry. The half hour with God a day isn't going well at all. I've got lots of excuses why it isn't: I get distracted easily, uses up too much mental energy, I always think of other "important" things I need to do, don't have time...etc.

Whenever I do spend time with God, though, I'm so glad I did. The day after I wrote my last entry I forgot to spend a focused half hour with God, but I did listen to a very interesting sermon that is a bit challenging (not to excuse my lack of one-on-one God time).

At church the pastor talked about David and how he sat in his giant palace and realized that the Arc of God was sitting in a tent. So, David sacrificed a huge fortune and built a building worthy for the Arc of God.

Psalm 132:3-5 says,

"I [David] will not enter my house or get into my bed, I will not give sleep to my eyes or slumber to my eyelids, until I find a place for the Lord, a dwelling place for the Mighty One of Jacob."

I think the point of the message was to make us realize how often we place ourselves in palaces and forget that God is sitting in a tent. We work so hard for ourselves to make ourselves comfortable that we ignore the work of God. God and His will and His work should be glorified beyond our own needs and desires. That's not to say that our needs aren't legitimate or our desires worth fulfilling... but when it comes to a choice between God's work or our needs/desires, God is first.

And so, why, if I need to place God first and build Him a place worthy for Him, do I fail almost every day in spending time with Him? I believe it's not just a mental struggle, but a spiritual one, too.

I find it very hard sometimes to do something for God when I was set on doing something nice for myself. And, I still don't often know the difference between needing to do something for myself and wanting to do something for myself. I'm still working on discerning my own motives - that's an interesting (and rather difficult) endeavor to take on...

So, I will continue to try and spend that time with God each day... because He deserves it and I'm not willing to give in to the enemy's attacks and attempts at distracting me away from God. My relationship with God has grown so hugely these past years and I'm not going to let it be torn down because I wanted to play that computer game or was too tired to talk to God.


I was not created to be a Brother Andrew or a Billy Graham; I was created to be a Heidi Banman.

La Vida....ish

I just moved into my new townhouse a couple days ago and I really love it. I'm sitting on our new couch... I played some games, searched for some jobs (still can't find a job in this crazily large city!!), and tried doing some oil painting (I actually don't really know how to oil paint), I watched a chick flick all by myself (don't judge me... I know all you girls out there have, too - or, perhaps you haven't) and now - almost needless to say - I feel like eating some ice cream. Unfortunately, I don't have any.

I've been having a difficult time taking time to sit back and talk with God. I'm always glad when I do, but I feel a bit like the seeds thrown on the ground and choked by the weeds of distractions: Internet, books, movies... anything. But, last night I was home alone and I sat on the couch and turned on my radio and listened to worship music while pouring out some of my thoughts to God. Then I decided to worship God through art and started painting. I felt good afterward. Spending time with God is always good... so why is it so hard to take the time to sit with Him?

I'm going to try to make a habit of spending at least a half an hour of focused time with God every day. Perhaps I shall keep you all posted on how that goes.

some paragraphs

I feel a bit as if I should write deep and profound things in my blog... but I haven't felt deep and profound writing abilities abounding too much recently, so I will make do with some stuff I wrote a long while ago when I was in highscool (and got bored during class).

One and a half miles from Ms. Lauries physics class stood a large man. His wild, scraggly hair filled every nook and cranny it could on his face and formed a twirling beard off on his left cheek. He wore a loose suit that was tough like camel-hide and flimsy as cotton. His feet were bare and devoid of hair, contrasting his face and giving him a mystical appearance, instead of beastly. His eyes focused magnetically on something far in the distance. It could have been anything, the ground was so wide.

One and a half miles from Ms. Barber’s biology class hung a snake, and from that snake, two large eyes. The snake wasn’t real, it was a trick of the mind, or maybe it was a trick of the eyes.

Do you ever feel that there's a place meant just for you just at this moment? With whatever you're going through and whatever is happening, there's a place you can go that makes all pain disappear and nothing but peace remains? I think that's what I was imagining when I wrote this next paragraph

I could throw my arms away from my sides and spin in the warm air with the breeze twisting the tops of the tall, green trees. I could kick off my shoes and pinch the grass beneath my toes, lifting my eyes to the radiant blue sky.

More Contentment Thoughts

I wander aimlessly around my head, knowing there are things to do and places to go, but not caring what they might be. With the nagging suspicion that something is following me, I hasten my pace and wander aimlessly nowhere with slight more urgency.

that's not entirely applicable to what I'm writing about... but it is to the extent that I'm avoiding homework while writing this.

So... this is a bit of a continuation of a blog entry a while ago on contentment

Here is what I've been learning since that blog... and I realize that some of what I'm writing may sound a bit controversial, but please hear me out until the end and then make your own judgments about what I wrote.

A friend confronted me a few weeks ago about my lack of contentment and shared with me some stuff that I'm coming to realize as very helpful truths.

I want to be a "perfect" person. I always use to think that I had to become the complete person God wants me to be - having learned all that I need to and able to put it all into practice perfectly - before I could start truly living. But that's kind of an interesting thought since at that rate I will never start "truly living." God is constantly shaping me into the person I am becoming. He takes me step by step. I am the person God wants me to be right now. The anxiety and tension that realization releases is amazing! He probably won't want me to be the same person in 10 years as I am now, but because I am progressing I know that I am where God wants me right now.

I use to think I could jump a bunch of steps and suddenly be different or know how to do something I couldn't before (like love my enemies). But, it doesn't happen that quickly (usually... does it ever??). God determines the size of our steps because He knows how much we can handle. I can't leap over crucial steps in the process and if I follow my own direction I'll just fall and wonder why I can't ever be "better."

No matter how hard I strive for the ideal or for perfection (by "perfection" I mean the image of what I thought God wanted me to be right now), it's never going to be the ideal or perfect. I would say to myself, "If only I'm good enough or strong enough or dedicated enough to bring about perfection, it will come." But it doesn't and it won't. But...

"Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to his beloved sleep."

Psalm 127: 1-2

Unless God lays out the steps, my striving to please God doesn't amount to much and results in discouragement. Unless He is on my side (or, better, I am on His) my work is in vain. Why do I wake up anxious and go to bed depressed because I wasn't "good enough?" God is taking care of me. He knows I'm not going to be perfect - that doesn't matter. What matters is that I love Him and I'm following Him. What else really matters?

Unless I am relying on God's plan, my struggles to "truly live" amount to nothing. God does have a plan and He loves me - where in that is it logical to stress about my spiritual growth?? I think it is only good to worry if you are not following God's leading... and even then, it is better to turn to God's plan than to continue worrying. There is security in God's arms and there is affirmation and there is rest. There is no "I should be better" when you are walking with God and there is no "But there are so many better things out there" when you are walking with Him. On your own, there is no security. You don't know if there may be something better or if you aren't living to your full extent.

In saying this, I don't mean that when you're a Christian you don't have to think about bettering yourself or discarding the old habits of sin. I tried to stress - and I hope I made it clear enough - that only when you are following God's leading can you rest. That doesn't mean you stop growing or learning, but it means that you are in God's will and that means there is nothing better for you to be than what you are now and nowhere better for you to be than where you are now. However, be open to God's prodding. Don't get stuck in a rut of complacency. When He tells you to do something, do it. If you ignore His call, then getting down on yourself for not being better is a waste of time. Instead, just simply do as He asks. Be ready and willing to grow, but don't put the burden on yourself to always know how and when to change. When you are relying on God and willing to follow His call, then there is no reason to be discontent or anxious. God is always with you and He always knows what is best.

And so those are my thoughts... and, again, don't just take my word for it. Check it out yourself.

guilty feelings

Lots of times I feel guilty for not doing something I feel I should be... like reading my Bible or praying or learning more about God... or doing homework. It's a naggy kind of guilty feeling. I'm so tired of it. It feels as if I'm not doing a good enough job in my relationship with God. Homework ties in with that. I want to glorify God with my work, but am I glorifying Him when I don't put my all into all my assignments? That could be a bit of my perfectionism coming out too, but I don't know. I should spend more time with God. But, whenever I think about spending time with God, all these other ideas of other things to do pop into my head... things that are easier. When I do spend time with God and am really open and honest with Him, I always feel much better... so, what makes it so difficult to actually get to that point? I'm always so distracted. It'll probably get easier to set aside distractions and focus on God as I spend more time with Him.

What about that line in the song "In Christ Alone" that says "No guilt in life, no fear in death." No guilt in life.

In Hebrews 10:19-23 it says,

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our heats sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful."

That's so beautiful. We draw near to God, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. Does this mean that we don't have to feel guilty about the things we do? (Also following with the idea that "No one who lives in Him keeps on sinning." - 1 John 2:19... we don't make a habit of sin). Or does it mean that the guilt of sin that leads to death is no longer necessary, because we've already been forgiven? Are those two things even different?

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." - Romans 8:1

I don't think I should feel guilty. Working on a relationship motivated by guilt sounds pathetic. So, what should motivate me? Well, I do want to talk to God and learn about Him. So, what should convince me to spend that time with Him? Uhmm... I'm not sure. Practice? Because I do want to spend that time with Him, but I get distracted and sometimes I feel daunted just thinking about all the brain power I'm going to have to put into talking with God. It's always worth it, though. God knows my heart. He knows what I desire. I'm going to put in an effort to not feel guilty and instead I'll follow God's leading (not the leading of my guilty conscious) and not put myself down when I fail to follow through.

I think that makes sense. Usually I can't write a blog like this too quickly because my perfectionism makes me go over and over what I've written to make sure it's perfect and true. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I'm going to publish this post anyways... even though I haven't spent all that much time on it. So, take what I've written with a grain of salt and check it out for yourself because I'm fallible and perhaps I haven't gotten everything right.

Contentment and Boredom cont...

Alright... so I just finished listening to the second part of Charles Stanley's "The Key to Contentment" talk last night. I thought I should probably update with the new stuff I learned about being content.

He talked from Philippians 4:6-7, which says

"...do not be anxious about anything anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

He defined contentment again... I like the definition. He said contentment is the capacity to deal with your situation without feeling restless or anxious. Perfectly at peace.

Charles Stanley related everything he talked about as either providing contentment or anxiety... and even though I don't feel particularly anxious most of the time, I realize that when I'm not content in my circumstance, I do worry. Not to the extent that it feels overwhelming (at least, not usually), but I still feel anxious. My life at those moments just feel like something to get out of so that I can move on to the next - hopefully more exciting - part in my life. That causes a certain amount of anxiety. I think I'd prefer contentment.

First, go to prayer. "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer... let your requests be made known to God."

Charles Stanley talked about recognizing God's omniscience when we pray. Realizing that God knows all about my situation and He knows what to do with it. My life isn't exactly super thrilling right now, but God knows that and He knows what to do about it.

I also need to recognize that God always sees all my problems and situations. He's right here with me in the midst of all my life's situations.

...God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Doesn't matter what's going on. God will always be there and He knows exactly when and how to act. I need to remember this when I pray. I am not on my own.

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything..."

Philippians 4:5b-6a

(I think that's a cool thought... usually when we quote that passage about not being anxious, we leave out the first part that says "The Lord is at hand." It makes more sense not to be anxious when you remember that the Lord is right there).

God can handle my problems, too (even if they're boredom). God is omnipotent.

"If God can't handle it, then it can't be handled. So, why should I worry about it?"

-Charles Stanley (audio archive, Jan 10, 2008)

Charles Stanley said that he believes that some people live in constant anxiety because they aren't willing to admit that they can't handle their situations. Admitting that I can't handle and don't know what to do with my boredom and telling God that, shows that I realize that God is ultimately in control and that He can handle whatever I'm going through. Wow! Just to feel that freeing power... to know that God can handle what I am incapable of dealing with. Incredible! And that He will handle it. Amazing! What indescribable love He must have for us!

"...do not be anxious about anything anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God."

"let your requests be made known to God." Let God know what you need (not that He doesn't already know... but talking with God is always great and perhaps it'll clarify what's going on for yourself - it's good to verbalize sometimes). I think it's fantastic to be honest with God... it doesn't work to hide things from Him because He knows everything and pretending it doesn't exist doesn't help you.

The three "steps" that Charles Stanley suggested for learning to be content is

1. Focus on God
2. Focus on your complete helplessness
3. Thanksgiving (an expression of faith - knowing that God is there and that He can handle whatever I'm going through)

It seems like there has been a theme of giving up control to God in my life lately. I'm learning over and over that it is God who holds the power over everything and it is Him (and only Him) who changes me and who can change my circumstances. Perhaps I'll have to write about that sometime soon.

"...and the peace of God, that transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

That sounds so cool. Peace guarding my heart. No room for anxiety/worry or restlessness while Peace is on duty! Give up control and allow God to step in. He knows what's happening, He knows what to do, and He can do it. He isn't going to leave you (or me!).

Perhaps, as I practice giving up control and admitting my inability to control and as I learn to trust God completely with every circumstance in my life, I'll come to the point - that Charles Stanley described - where I can lie down in my bed at night and say "Hallelujah!" Why? No reason, just "Hallelujah!" God is in control. Praise God!

***
(If you want to listen to some of Charles Stanley's talks... here's the website http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4943225/k.9234/Audio_Archives.htm)
***

God is good.
He knows what He's doing.
I can trust Him.

Boring Life and Contentment

It seems that lately any time someone asks me how I'm doing I reply, "Alright. Life's kind of boring right now."

Perhaps I need to make it more exciting, or perhaps I need to learn contentment in boring situations.

I listened to the first part of a sermon by Charles Stanley last night. It was called "The Secret to Contentment." Contentment is something I've been trying to learn about for the past year and a half or so (ever since going to Bolivia - you can read my other blog for more details on that). Life just sometimes gets to a point where everything is the same day after day... and life is just boring... or annoying.

Charles Stanley defined contentment a few different ways...

Contentment is the sense of sufficiency found in our sufficiency in Christ Jesus
Contentment is a sense of inner peace, inner quietness and rest

I know when we give our lives to God that there is no more need for anxiety and worry. We can have peace and inner quietness and we can rest in God. When we rely on ourselves, we rely on someone who cannot control the future and who does not know what is going to happen. There is no security in that. When we give our lives to God and rely on Him, we are trusting in someone who can take care of us completely and who has ultimate control over where our lives go. We just have to give over that control and stop pulling away to rely on ourselves. God is good (all the time!) and He knows what's good for us. When we trust God, there is no more need for worry.

But, as for my boring life, I'm not really anxious... I'm just bored. But, I suppose that in that I need to trust that God knows what He's doing.

The other points he made that I thought were interesting are the roots of anxiety. He said that there are three main ones...

1. Fear... fear leads to anxiety. Sounds obvious enough. It's a fear of lack of control, of the future, of the question "will I be able to handle the future?"

2. Unbelief... not believing that God can handle all the things that come our way.

3. Attempting to play God... we think that we're strong enough and able enough to control certain situations - when we find that we can't control them, we become anxious

The third point he made that I thought was rather nicely put was that the first step to contentment is to recognize your inability to cope with life, to deal with sin and guilt. Then... (this is me talking, not Charles Stanley... because I haven't listened to his talk any farther than this)... we need to give our lives over to God because He's already taken care of our sin - we don't need to feel guilt and shame (not that we can give ourselves permission to keep on sinning with the excuse that we don't need to feel guilty... but I'll leave that discussion for another time). When we give our lives to God, He can transform us into new people that are able to praise Him and work for His glory. Then we need to trust Him with our lives. And then we find contentment. I think there must be more to it than that... perhaps not, but I'll update once I've finished the rest of Charles Stanley's talk.

So, perhaps life seems rather boring right now, but my life is God's and I know He knows what He's doing. So, I'm going to relax and I'm going to trust Him (right now!). Perhaps then life won't be so boring when I realize that God said "Heidi go to Ambrose" and that since He said that, He has a plan for me here (no matter how uninteresting it may seem right now). Perhaps just trusting that God knows what He's doing will put life into my life. I think so.

God is Good
He knows what He is doing
I can trust Him (all the time!)

A Stew of Paragraph Stories

Grab a big bowl and load up with some stew... umm... I realize that sounds kind of cheesy, but just humour me for now... please.

These are some short paragraphs of stuff I wrote a long while ago

The white blouse hung off an elegant coat rack. Beside it the tall window graced the path of light, which landed gently on the rippling shirt. It was a picture of absolute peace. On cloudy days, when the window was closed, I would not even enter the room; and on days when I looked towards the window and did not see the blouse, I would look down and fill myself with happiness to see that I was wearing it.

When it rained, I sat in the old kitchen with my legs beneath me, my feet resting on the metal stool rung. The rain would thrum on the windows and on the side of the house. It would create puddles and slice itself between the blades of grass. I would hug my mug close between my hands and let it rest near my nose. Aromas of cinnamon would linger in the room, emanating from a warm oven. And then I’d feel secure.

On winter evenings when the sun’s light melted away, the cozy living room would beckon to me. ‘Oh! may I hug you close and let you sink into my fabric,’ my chair would say in quivering expectation. And so I would: with my legs tucked to one side and my shoulder resting on the other. My back would lean into a beautifully comfortable position and I would sink into the story in my book.